Desultory Bloviation

I want ALL of these!

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 18:02:51 -0500

I want ALL of these!:

(via)

AND VICTOR FRESCO CREATED BOTH SHOWS??!!

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 02:33:00 -0500

Maaaan, do I feel out of the loop!

And does Jay Harrington look suspiciously like James Patrick Stuart?

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 02:31:55 -0500

Did you guys know this?!

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 02:27:25 -0500

So it turns out that Better Off Ted is just Andy Richter Controls the Universe with a better-looking Andy?! And Portia de Rossi as Paget Brewster?! (<3 u Paget) And Jonathan Slavin as himself???!!!

I’m either appalled or extraordinarily happy.
One of those.

NO SPOILERS!

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:54:46 -0500

I would eat the FUCK out of Kevin’s dessert.

That is all.

unsolicitedanalysis: (via inothernews) At the risk of further...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:52:25 -0500

unsolicitedanalysis:

(via inothernews)

At the risk of further alienating everyone: isn’t this schtick boring? It’s the same sight gags over and over with him. Some of his satire is really good, but the over-the-top expression-based comedy and/or physical comedy on the show where he “acts like a blowhard” for the millionth time just isn’t compelling anymore for me.

Heh. This is actually the exact reason I deleted my TDS Season Pass.

Treatise on Eating a Dick*

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:04:26 -0500

natashavc:

The first time I heard this phrase was in a recap of a bad break up between two friends. After a 6 hour phone fight that ended a 4 year relash the conversation ended like this:

Vanessa: I love you so much and I really hope we can be friends. And stay in each other’s lives. You mean so much to me and I would hate to lose you.

Mike: Uh-huh. Yeah. Thanks, Vanessa. Eat a dick.

CLICK!

The story made me laugh. For days. And I started to incorporate the saying into my repertoire of brash things to say in a deadpan tone to enhance the comedic effect. I think the hilariousness of this statement holds for the following reasons:

1. Dick eating sounds like a nasty proposition for all involved. Versus dick sucking which one or more parties may enjoy. Dick-eating does not sound like a rewarding culinary option nor one that owner of said ‘dick’ would enjoy. Every body loses in this proposition.

2. I think it’s the singularity of the genital is what really gives this saying a comedic wallop. Like there is just one. Just one dick that you have to eat and this verbal punishment will be over. It doesn’t even matter who the Solitary Dick belongs to (Eat MY dick sounds stupid) it just needs to be masticated and consumed. HILARIOUS.

3. The delivery of this statement must be done in a polite way. Like ‘have a nosh!’, ‘take a flyer!”, “eat a dick!” If yelled at some one in an aggressive manner it does NOT WORK and you have lost all the subtle absurdity of the statement.

4. There are some great variations of this proposition. Such as: eating a landfill of dicks, garbage truck full of dicks, or eating dick for days. There could be some homophobic undertones here but I think it’s more the idea of a single flaccid dick (or thousands) that really is just too giggle-inducing visual to ignore.

*Inspired by this curious kitteh.

THIS

mercurypdx: dorothymantooth: Good God, I can’t believe this is...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:01:27 -0500

mercurypdx:

dorothymantooth:

Good God, I can’t believe this is a Real Thing!
(via)

On the plus side, at least they’re only dating and not getting married.

I bet that’ll be the sequel.
And I bet they’ll do this for it! [link via you!]

(And for those of you who might know about my own wedding plans, I PROMISE WE WON’T DO THIS.)

Good God, I can’t believe this is a Real Thing!(via)

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:14:14 -0500

Good God, I can’t believe this is a Real Thing!
(via)

bulicks: On this day in 1983, PARAMOUNT PICTURES released...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:25:35 -0500

bulicks:

On this day in 1983, PARAMOUNT PICTURES released TERMS OF ENDEARMENT. Directed by JAMES L. BROOKS from the novel by LARRY McMURTRY, this is probably the mother of all contemporary tear-jerkers. SHIRLEY MacLAINE and DEBRA WINGER star as a mother/daughter combination who are every bit as different as they are alike. Needless to say, one of them won’t make it and the result is a three-hankie soap opera. Also in the cast are JACK NICHOLSON, DANNY DeVITO, JEFF DANIELS and JOHN LITHGOW.

I did not cry when I finally saw this, but I WAS surprised at how Jeff Daniels was kinda hot amiright?

Ohmygoodness, did we have this conversation?! I, too, only watched this all the way through relatively recently, and was surprised at what a terrible schlockfest it was! (And I was totally even drunk, so I should have cried.)

(Also, Daniels lost any sort of hotness cred after Dumb & Dumber. Fact.)

Can we get a ruling on this one?

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:14:22 -0500

Can we get a ruling on this one?:

(via alexbalk)

Tracy Jordan’s were better.

ohhleary:tothebarricades:gummoe: I’m a little bit in love...

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:44:27 -0500

ohhleary:tothebarricades:gummoe:

I’m a little bit in love with this guy.
Wonder if there’s a B Roll for that!

"Well you’ve effectively castrated The Crimson of it’s culture"

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 01:32:26 -0500

"Well you’ve effectively castrated The Crimson of it’s culture":

(via katiebakes)

So Harvard students don’t know the difference between its and it’s, either, eh?
Good (and sad) to know.

my father (who clearly “enjoyed” me and my eccentricities) once laughingly told my mother that he thought I might suffer from a type of benign psychosis called “antiparanoia,” in which I seemed to believe that I was the object of an intricate universal conspiracy to make me so happy I could hardly stand it

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 21:32:38 -0500

my father (who clearly “enjoyed” me and my eccentricities) once laughingly told my mother that he thought I might suffer from a type of benign psychosis called “antiparanoia,” in which I seemed to believe that I was the object of an intricate universal conspiracy to make me so happy I could hardly stand it:

Oh, would that this DFW story were actually nonfiction…

"Someday there will be a restaurant that satisfies my constant cravings for both cheese and raw fish."

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:33:22 -0500

“Someday there will be a restaurant that satisfies my constant cravings for both cheese and raw fish.”

- Choire

Casu Marzu apparently tastes like caviar!

...and the answer, sadly, is no.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 19:23:05 -0500

Monday morning. Bad traffic. Let’s just turn on the radio here, see if we can get some good tunes, crank it up. Maybe they’ll play some early Stones. Yeah. Maybe they…
-POWER ON-
“…just reached the end of 14 classic hits in a row, and we’ll be right back after we…”
-SCAN-
“…send Bill Doberman to Congress. Because Bill Doberman agrees with us. Bill Doberman. It’s a name we can trust. Bill Doberman. It’s a name we can remember. Let’s write it down. Bill…”
-SCAN-
“…just heard 19 uninterrupted classic hits, and now for this…”
-SCAN-
“…terrible traffic backup caused by the…”
-SCAN-
“…EVIL that cometh down and DWELLETH amongst them, and it DID CAUSETH their eyeballs to ooze a new substance, and it WAS a greenish color, but they DID not fear, for they kneweth that the…”
-SCAN-
“…followingisbasedonan800yearleaseanddoesnotinclu de- taxtagsinsuranceoranactualcar- wegetyourhouseandyourchildrenandyourkidneys…”
-SCAN-
“NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! BUD LOOTER CHEVROLET OPEL ISUZU FORD RENAULT JEEP CHRYSLER TOYOTA STUDEBAKER TUCKER HONDA WANTS TO GIVE YOU, FOR NO GOOD REASON…”
-SCAN-
“…Bill Doberman. He’ll work for you. He’ll FIGHT for you. If people are rude to you, Bill Doberman will KILL them. Bill Doberman…”
-SCAN-
“…enjoyed those 54 classic hits in a row, and now let’s pause while…”
-SCAN-
“…insects DID swarm upon them and DID eateth their children, but they WERE NOT afraid, for they trustedeth in the…”
-SCAN-
“…listening audience. Hello?”
“Hello?”
“Go ahead.”
“Steve?”
“This is Steve. Go ahead.”
“Am I on?”
“Yes. Go ahead.”
“Is this Steve?”
-SCAN-
“This is Bill Doberman, and I say convicted rapists have NO BUSINESS serving on the Supreme Court. That’s why, as your congressman, I’ll make sure that…”
-SCAN-
“…a large quantity of nuclear waste has been spilled on the interstate, and police are trying to…”
-SCAN-
“…GIVE YOU SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN TRADE FOR ANYTHING!!! IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO BE A CAR!!! BRING US A ROAD KILL!!! WE DON’T CARE!!! BRING US A CANTALOUPE-SIZED GOB OF EAR WAX!!! BRING US…”
-SCAN-
“…huge creatures that WERE like winged snakes EXCEPT they had great big suckers, which DID cometh and pulleth their limbs FROM their sockets liketh this, ‘Pop,’ but they WERE not afraid, nay they WERE joyous, for they had…”
-SCAN-
“…just heard 317 uninterrupted classic hits, and now…”
-SCAN-
“Bill Doberman will shrink your swollen membranes. Bill Doberman has…”
-SCAN-
“…glowing bodies strewn all over the road, and motorists are going to need…”
-SCAN-
“…FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! WE’LL JUST GIVE IT TO YOU!!! FOR NO REASON!!! WE HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER!!! LATE AT NIGHT, SOMETIMES WE SEE THESE GIANT GRUBS WITH FACES LIKE KITTY CARLISLE, AND WE HEAR THESE VOICES SAYING…”
-SCAN-
“Steve?”
“Yes.”
“Steve?”
“Yes.”
“Steve?”
-SCAN-
“Yes, and their eyeballs DID explode like party favors, but they WERE NOT sorrowful, for they kneweth…”
-SCAN-
“Bill Doberman. Him good. Him heap strong. Him your father. Him…”
-SCAN-
“…finished playing 3,814 consecutive classic hits with no commercial interruptions dating back to 1978, and now…”
-SCAN-
“…the radiation cloud is spreading rapidly, and we have unconfirmed reports that…”
-SCAN-
“…liquefied brain parts did dribbleth OUT from their nostrils, but they WERE not alarmed, for they were…”
-SCAN-
“…getting sleepy. Very sleepy. When you hear the words ‘Bill Doberman,’ you will…”
-POWER OFF-
Ok, nevermind. I’ll just drive. Listen to people honk. Maybe hum a little bit. Maybe even, if nobody’s looking, do a little singing.
(quietly)
‘I can’t get nooooooo
Sa-tis-FAC-shun….’

"This incident became famous in the U.S. when American humorist Dave Barry wrote about it in his newspaper column after viewing a videotape of television footage of the explosion."

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 18:51:21 -0500

"This incident became famous in the U.S. when American humorist Dave Barry wrote about it in his newspaper column after viewing a videotape of television footage of the explosion.":

katiebakes:

I’m going to come right out and say it: I was a huge Dave Barry fan.

Me too!
My first exposure was actually in high school, though, which makes me infinitely dorkier. This particular one of his syndicated columns that introduced me to his brand of mild-mannered humor was the written equivalent of the tattered billboard song (smoke Coca Cola cigarettes!), and I remember not being able to get through it all because I was crying from laughing so hard. It’s been, like, 20 years (I know) since I’ve read it, and I’m absolutely dying to know if it really was That Funny. Anyone have any recollection of the column I’m talking about?

[Go read the rest of Katie’s Dave Barry story (including an aside about EXPLODING WHALES! - I guess the Reno 911 movie really was going for verisimilitude) here]

"Would you be offended if, from here until the end of the season, I refer to the Saints as the New..."

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 18:33:11 -0500

“

Would you be offended if, from here until the end of the season, I refer to the Saints as the New Orleans Floodcunts?

(I mean COME ON. A botched punt hit him IN THE HELMET. A 60 yard TD pass with no time outs on a blown coverage by the best safety in the league. The missed FG. The stolen interception. The bogus fumble replay reversal. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.)

”

- I don’t have permission to reveal the identity of the person who emailed this to me, though I will note that the outraged conscientious objector of perceived sporting world injustices who wrote this is a FUCKING YANKEES FAN! And no, his name is not Brian Van. Regardless, I’m sensing a distinct “we’re the kings of the universe and how dare you have the audacity to build your own kingdom” trend going on here. (via cajunboy)

I’m pretty sure your boys have made some sort of pact with the devil, too. I just think it’s fucking really exciting to watch!

CHOIRE!!!!!

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:38:06 -0500

CHOIRE!!!!!

GodDAMMIT, FreshDirect! This really looks like salami to you?!

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 03:29:39 -0500

GodDAMMIT, FreshDirect! This really looks like salami to you?!